delirious

because i was too afraid to say this in lit class (for fear that i might make a complete and utter fool of myself infront of him), i decided to keep my mouth shut when i wanted soooo bad to say this to the class.

on the matter of unspoken love as lost love:
during the discussion on joaquin's may day's eve

i don't think love is ever lost. it is only not reciprocated. when love goes unprofessed, it does not vanish, it stays in the heart, constantly nourishing the unsettled conflicts from within.

the only thing lost when a love remains unsaid is the chance of a relationship with the beloved. but love on the other hand, stays at the place where it first sprung.

the nature of love, as explained by erich fromm is misunderstood by most of us because we see loving as the act of being loved and not the act and nature of loving itself.


on the matter of saying i love you:

it's not easy to say i love you especially when you mean it.

those three words become a sacred vow of eternity in itself.
the true lover knows the weight and responsibility which goes with the proclamation of love.


there. now that i have gotten that out of my brain, i feel the same. hehe.

i will share a mcfloat with you anytime.

ring.. ring..

rizal: hello?
gavela: hello joemark?
rizal: o bay, ngano man ka?
gavela: busy ka? kita ta ron beh?
rizal: asa man? julie's nalang sa inyo
gavel: sige..

and because we are just two kids with high ideals and low budgets, we ended up squatting infront of a closed bank where we talked about the injustice of the system, the dreams that we want to live, bitchy mothers and everything in between..

you listened. i talked. i cried. you laughed. we laughed. and promised to one day be people who will help other people become great.

because we know how it feels to have ambitions denied.
and we know how it feels to be a part of a system that we do not agree with.
because though we wear spartan slippers, we dream big dreams and we hope for bright tomorrows.

thank you for being my bestfriend. and though you look like a nerd who hasn't had a bath in ten years, i still love you. hehe.

thank you joemark. i know that you'll always have my back. i love you nerd! : P

P.S.
awa lang na tanang nikatawa nato, magsul-ob ra unya tag jacket nga naay tatak nga CL ug CM..hehe

P.P.S.
kon tan-aw nato mada na nato, mutabang gyud ta sa mga batang adunay mga ambisyon nga tan-aw nila lisod abton.. saad na nato..

sometimes, when life gets too overwhelming, you are simply silenced.

because there is something to say. because there is nothing to say. because you are too afraid to say the stuff you want to say. because you don't know how to say it. because you don't know what to say.

and so i am silenced.

by all the guilt. all the drama. all the happiness.
all the life there is in life.

i am just silenced.

tungod kay hasol man mag-upload og litrato sa blogspot, nag-extend na ang frustratedchinita sa multiply..

pictures ra ang sulod ana tanan..

para na sa mga tao nga nagsige'g pangita sa ilang nawng sa akong blog.. haha..

kon mahimo pa lang isangyaw
ang gugma kong hilaw
dugay ko ra unta kining gisiyagit
taliwala sa kadalanan
kon diin ang mga pekeng apostoles
nagyawyaw sa ilang kamatuoran

dugay ko na unta tikang gihangyo
sa pagkuyog kanako sa paglakbay
paingon sa kamagayan sa akong mga damgo

apan ang akong pagtan-aw, gidili
sa halangdong istruktura
sa mga mapuslanong balaod;

padayon ang pagpugong nila
batok sa akong pagtan-awng dili angay

ang akong gahum,
igo lang gitangtangag pulos
sa kakusog sa katilingbang nahangol
makasulod sa bililhong lugar
kon diin si San Pedro nagabalantay
sa mga taga-yutang gipalayas sa Hardin sa Eden

mao nga ako napugos nga
mupaluyo sa anino sa kahayag
bisan pa tuod nakita ko
ang akong katarungan didto sa
kangitngit sa kagabhion

kon mahimo pa lang unta
nga ibuwad ko sa atup ang akong gugma
dugay ko ra unta kining giladlad
para paugahon sa kainit sa adlaw
ang mga luha sa pagkamingaw

apan dili ako tugutan
sa nagtan-aw nga kalibutan
mao nga dili ko na lang dagkutan
ang panghaw sa akong dughan
sa pangandoy nga dili ko makab-utan


ug susama sa pagpalong ko
niining kandilang gitayhop
ilubong ko na lang ikaw
ug ang gugma ko para kanimo
sa yuta sa paglimot

it's been a while. i don't really have anything to post.

well, that's a lie because there are a lot of things i want to post, it's just that when i'm about to write something, i get distracted.

i'm distracted.

like all the time.

i blame the video.

and my new phone.

with his picture as my wallpaper.


*i thought i was over this kilig2 stuff. haha. wa pa diay. it's so weird to feel kilig eveytime i stare at his pic. haha. yux tess gikilig.

it's been a while since someone had this effect on me.

and i'm so glad it's him.

tee hee :)

i can't think straight. all i can do is stare at this and giggle..




ikaw bah,
you make me feel like a seventeen year old girl.
oh wait.
i am seventeen.
hahaha.

P.S.
you make me giddy.

i was having a bad day so i hastily concluded that this birthday would be the worst birthday ever. feeling shitty, i went online and saw orlee was there. i told him i NEEDED to loose myself in a grande sized frap and a fatty croissant.

"mumi, adto ta sa ubos.. naa koy kameet."

and so i cried.
because they remembered.
because they knew balloons should be on strings. not sticks.
because they were there.
because they just turned my day upside - down.
and simply because i love them.

"happy birthday mumi"

"mumi, naa mi surprise.." kimmy said.
yuchee handed me his cam and i saw this..

and once again, i cried.
because my friends know me.
because it was a video of my homophobic someone.
and because i was experiencing the gift of true friendship.

"i have a question for you. what is the number of your birthday? i will give you a gift. i will give you my toys if you want."

aaaaah.
jap, i love you.
anak na sad taka ron.
haha.

friends,
with all my heart
and cellulites,
i just wanna say,
thank you for making this the perfect day.

i love you all.

--tez/mumi/yayi--

weeeee.. party time!!!

let's throw confetti..
haha..

bantayan island..

wait for me.. i'm going back..

soon..

QUESTION:

how do you spend the last day of the sixteenth year of your life?

ANSWER:

you count all the blessings which made your sixteenth year sweet.

my family. the people whom i can never outlove.

sci high. receiving my diploma was bittersweet, but it was the perfect way to end a grand stay.

high school batchmates. in ways more than one, you are my family. i don't make sense without you.

UP diliman. for a taste of what could have been.

CNU - CN. for giving me 48 reasons why i smile everyday. orlee. alpats. jaypee. buzon. franklette. migo. stefan. matt. charles. gams. josh. dwight. mon-mon. faust. charly. patrick. yuchee. agnes. raphy. mhabz. euler. hopia. errol. kimari. judy. carlene. curacha. runa. cat. lyra. gil. karen. fulachee. vera. zerra. aia. shai. jen. erich. jaan. zenny. dinah. janelle. maricris. alex. cams. julie mae. doreen.

NSC. for my last year as a student leader.

john zabala. i may forget the rules guiding hypothetical syllogisms, but i will never forget how you made me feel.

januar yap. because you are the most payter bachelor in the world.

conrelio faigao writing workshop. for giving me back the gift of literature.

merlie alunan. for opening the door to cebuano writing.

libra boy. for making all the upcoming november 19's important.

poet. the architect of the greatest love story of my life.

sunday school students. you give me joy beyond compare.

and finally,

this blog. for being the online extension of my inner self.

sa katapusang adlaw sa akong pagkadiyes-y-sais, wala koy laing mabuhat kung dili ang pagpasalamat sa tanang himaya nga akong natamasa..

ang nahibilin nalang nga buhaton kay ang paghandum sa mas matam-is nga mga tuig nga nagpaabot kanako.



*photocredits: much love and respect to orlee. nalate nakog post ni. haha.

*another tribute to my papa dear

you cried when i was born. you saw the little pink tag on my hand which had baby girl tan on it..
"papa na ko.." you said while you held me close

you cried when i was 8 months old. you were playing dolls with me when i laughed and i said "papa"
you said "o yayi.. ako si papa" you called mom and told her. she cried with you.

you cried when i was 11 months old. we were at tita daryl's birthday party when i first walked on my own. "dako na akong baby girl" you said. "but don't grow up too fast" you added while you took me into your outstretched arms.

you cried when i was 4. i was interviewed by the principal of the school. she said i should be accelerated to kinder 2 right away. "bright gyud akong anak" you said while you kissed me on the cheek.

you cried when i was 7. it was at the airport and it was the first time for you to go to saudi. it was the first of the many trips we took to the airport. it was the first of the many "i'll miss you's" that have been uttered for the past 10 years.

you cried when i was 12. i was giving my valedictory address. "pa, these medals are for you.." people clapped while you stood up, wiping your tears, beaming at your little girl on stage.

you cried when i was 13. you stood at the back of the crowd. you were more nervous than i was. while i was orating in front of the whole mandaue populace, you said a prayer.. hoping that i wouldn't forget my lines.
you gave out the loudest cheer when i was announced the winner. "that's my girl!" you shouted.

you cried when i was 14. i told you i had a boyfriend. you said that i was too young. too immature. when i told you it was over, you cried still. because you knew i was hurting. you said you were hurting even more.

you cried when i was 16. i got a scholarship at the university i had dreamed of. you said "no" because you and mama had already planned out my life for me. you said sorry while i weeped for the death of my dreams.

you cried 3 days ago. we were on the phone. you were shouting. the first time you ever shouted at me.
"you're becoming so uncontrollable! pagtarong sa imong kinabuhi yi kay gikapoy na raba ko dinhi"
"dili man unta ing-ani ka miserable akong kinabuhi kung inyo unta kong gisugtan nga mukuha sa kurso nga akong gusto!!"
"hala! humana nalang ni nga sem! inig human ani, bahala naka"
you hung up.

you cried yesterday. you called me back and asked sorry.
"sorry kung na syagitan tika. shift na mintras sayo pa. di ko gusto nga mupadayon kag pursue sa dalan nga tan-aw nimo dili imoha. di ko gusto nga mabuhi ka nga walay kalipay."
i could only say "thank you for understanding"
we spent the next three minutes just laughing and crying at the same time.

pa, i'm sorry if most of the time, i become bratty. you always try to understand me. and despite the many tantrums that i, your bipolar pisces girl, throw out, you continue to love me. despite all the disappointments and heartbreaks i have been and/or have caused, you continue to be patient with me. you have never given up on me. and you said you never will.
you said that nothing in this world could stop you from loving me.
i believe you.
because that holds true for the love i have for you.
i love you so much.

--yayi--

*it feels weird. in seven days i won't be sixteen anymore. who knows, maybe when i turn seventeen, my papa will cry again. haha.

may Ariel and Bob's story be read by many more!!


P.S.
ill always be here to submit your stories for you.. whether you like it or not.. haha..

--padayon ang gugma sa tinta!!